I miss you, Jeanne (10/2009)
I have been absent from blogging for the last 3 months. Partly due to much needed rest another is adjusting to recent developments in my life. I had to adjust to Mom coming back from Florida and resume my caregiver duties. I got a part time job being a transportation assistant to special need kids. Getting ready to have my second book published. Lastly, mourning the loss of a friend and sister for 22 years.
Today marks a month since Jeanne’s death. She was a fighter. She had a bone marrow transplant that never took well. She fought bravely battles with chemo, visiting the hospital regularly for platelets and fight infection almost every week for almost a year. It hasn’t been easy this last month. Jeanne and I depended on each other for support…. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We were there for each other by way of phone call. Each week we would have an hour sometimes 2 hour calls. We can cover a lot of ground. And if I was wiped out the first hour, Jeanne would cover the second hour magnificently as if we just exchanged in a 10 minute conversation.
I will truly miss that. I felt that lost feeling last night. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her…just to listen to her soft compassionate voice, calmed me. When I was down, she’d crank up the energy…you wouldn’t think she was so close to dying by the way she sounded so strong so determined. She said I sounded like that during my treatment…She kept saying…‘you are doing it Katey, you are determined to live and will.’
When her husband Chris called me one hour before my sleep study Friday October 9th, he told me that Jeanne fell unconscious Thursday evening and may not make it through the weekend. I asked him to give me 3 minutes and place the phone to her ear so she can hear me. He said ‘ok’. I proceeded :
"Well Jeannie, hang in there for just a little bit, Your Mom and Dad are flying in to see you. Hear them, be with them for they will miss their only daughter. After that Jeanne, you can let go. You have fought a well deserved battle. You are my hero in so many ways I have yet attained. And I am so grateful that we have met in this lifetime and that you have been my dearest friend as well being sisters from different families. You will always be with me. Guard us here with the spirit of your love, and know I thank you and love you so very much. I’ll see you one day when my time is up…until then I won’t let myself down, I promise. I love you Jeannie.”
Those were the last 3 minutes we had together. She will forever be in my special place, my heart. Enclosed is the poem I dedicated to Jeanne. Enjoy reflect and tell your friends how much you love them.
I love you.
K'
Poem: The ties that bind us - our friendship
(For Jeanne)
How can I embrace the lost years between us
what can I say other than a warm ’Hello’
or forgive me for not keeping in touch.
Shall we pick up where we left off?
Time has shed the crust of grudges and misunderstandings
not to bring up that rotten past between us
that has slowly been omitted
let’s just eased them out of the way
they’re far too petty now to ruin
this much needed reunion.
Your hugs with the soft ‘I miss you’
still squeeze the breath out of me
what a nice way to die in your arms without breathing
and yet we laugh because the squeeze
was much welcomed with laughter
for some of us it has been 3 to 5 years
10 to 18 years for others and I did manage to find one old friend
I haven’t heard from in years far back as 26.
How all of you have stirred me so.
How we have all changed some for the better
some for the worst
we’ve all fallen victims of hard times
and how some of us have risen
to turn our lives around meeting our own turning points
meeting our own destiny head on.
Perhaps it is I who needs to be much forgiven
for I have begun to live my life anew.
I wish to tell you how much you mean to me now
and how much it means to me for you to know this now
no, I am not on my dying deathbed
no, I have not taken ill
I have no reason other than to express
the solemn part of my soul, my skin
you, are my tears my smile
my give and take
my existence
without you, my friend
there would not be a reason to live
with no one to share
good times, good fortune or mishaps with.
I honor you now with these words of gratitude
to take with you
because you are, my friend.
I cannot live your life nor see through your eyes
and I know you cannot live my life nor see through my eyes
I only hope I can live the expectation
that I am here for you
anywhere any time any place
you, are irreplaceable
an uncut gem that shines
you, have given me joy
you, have made me a rich woman
rich with appreciation of life
and that is pure abundance
of trust and loyalty.
Friends, our riches human commodity
one can never buy
one must earn and work hard to attain
because the rewards are far and plenty.
Copyright 2009
From the book: Naked Leaves
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