Brittle (Poem)

Today,

 I am brittle. an eggshell.

I am silent in my world of noise

feeling the rise of pain

costing my health to weaken

how much more can I take

when I want no more?

where are the ears to listen

when I wish them to be around?

It is painfully lonely

when others think you've got it all together

not realizing - you can break just as easily as them.

I don't ask for much

but when in time of need

again I cross the finish line

and everyone's gone home.

the streets are bare

as if I was the last human on earth.

Oh God, hear me!

I just want to sleep.

I Wish I Could Tell You Everything

I wish I can tell you everything. I wish I was strong
but my heart is weak and I can't take the beaten
anymore. I know I can love, but whom?
I have taken too many risks that my recovery time
is not like it use to be. It hurts more
and  the pain is so great, I would rather want to die.
cause I'm not afraid to die, I will welcome it
for I am tired some times of fighting
and here comes faith knocking at my door
the bitch won't leave me alone...Damn!
She rasps my door like the reaper... that jerk
he can kiss my a$$!
My best friend is gone. she died five years ago.
and I have no one that can vouch for me
and I have to start my life over again for the umpteenth time
and I'm tired, so tired.
Tired of people telling me stupid things that I already know
and you don't want to hear them
you just want them to gently go away... because
even though they mean well, it hurts me more...get it!
So stop it.. leave me alone
 to fix myself as I've always done.
Some things you just can't change
some things you don't want to change
some things don't need changing
they just need to be... re-arranged.
So while it may seem funny that I act
so stupid and naive and like a child
well it is the child in me coming out
saying... I'm hurt damn it, let me hurt
for a while...
days like today, I wish my parents were around
my pop would say some stupid joke
and my mom would give the best hugs in the world
God, I'd take them both right now
a stupid joke and that sweet hug...
maybe that tissue from my best friend
saying... you'll be better when you let it all out.
So I wish I could tell you everything
even when I am strong
but I can't take the beaten
my heart has taken, anymore.

I Am So Alone

I wish I can put into words how I feel, right now. I will, as I write - trying to express myself the best way I can, on the page. I'm blessed that I am a creative person. I have done many things I ought to be proud of. But I don't feel proud right now.
This week I churned out projects, what I had to offer - all things beautiful to me. So I share these as gifts. Gifts given to me by the universe or by God, or a higher power - whichever you believe in. Though I am 95% percent grateful for all the talent I have.
I feel burden by it. Burdened because I feel I haven't really accomplished - anything. This makes me very lonely.
I know I have accomplished many things that most people have done or have not done. But I don't feel accomplished right now. I feel completely alone and it's dangerous. I'm not liking this nor myself, right now.

This danger, I don't fear. I just don't why it's here now. I don't fear much of anything because I know I'm a fighter. But I'm so damn tired of fighting - even with my feelings. I have learned to ride with my feelings. This feeling is a wild roller coaster going out of control and I'm riding it to see just where the hell it's going to take me.

I've been to my own hell and didn't like it. I'm not going there - not that far down. I know I have done things I am ashamed and embarrassed to discuss - I write them down in my journal for me to keep and look over later. I know I am and always will be accountable for my own actions. I own this feeling even though I am not proud of me, right now - this very moment. So alone, with my deadly thoughts.

Yes, I have accomplished many things, but I feel so worthless, to myself. I know I am a good and a nice person. But even good and nice people when you least expect that there is nothing wrong with them - there is. It hits me in the worst time, when everything in my life is going right. Nice good people feel down, too. Nice good people get lonely. Very lonely because some people assume everything is ok. And I may be 'ok' at that given moment. The good, a nice person in me is not and it hurts so fucking bad.
I know have overcome the most overwhelming challenges in my life-alone. I have felt like a prisoner my own home while healing - alone. I'm not super woman, I'm not a champion, I'm not a hero, I'm not a warrior, but to others, I am. And I get the feeling as they treat me as if I'm untouchable. But I'm not damn it. I'm just as human as you.
I did it what I had to, to survive the impossible. And surviving has been one sucking vortex of sheer exhaustion. I don't eat as much, I don't sleep too well and my mind as brilliant as it can be, runs wild like a child who doesn't listen to its mother when it's time to come inside and settle down.

It's a bitch getting old. When all the people in your life that have meant so much to you are not around because they have passed on. I ache so much inside because I need them badly right now and they're not here. I am, alone.
I'm searching for memories of their wisdom in my heart. I want to see them, I want to hear them, and God help me, I want them to hold me, NOW - like they use to. I need that so much. But, I am, alone.
So the child in me is reeling, throwing it's ugly tantrum driving me fucking nuts .It's like the time I felt after cancer treatment : I have crossed the finish line of painful challenged perils and no one to greet me- everyone's gone home. The parking lot is empty, and I have to walk home, once again - alone.
I am very lonely, right now. I know. I know, I shoulda, woulda, coulda - yet I don't know a damn thing.
All I know, is right now, I'm hurting... and the ache, is unbearable - and I am, alone.

I am an Empath... So be it!

I haven't written a thing in a month. I have had no words to say, just dealing with my

feelings. Yes, my feelings, are all over the place like an abandoned animal left to fend

on its own to survive. And yet, I know this art of survival for several years now - because

I am still doing just that - surviving life. I feeling very sad I lost some EP friends - lots

without a goodbye. Those are the worst to get over because there hasn't been a finality

of any kind and I do yearn for finality.

To me finality means just that, a closing, an end - something finalized so we can all

move on. To you it may already mean that, but not so for me. There is something there

still lurking, wanting  to know still hanging on. But it's all one-sided to one, while  I, still

trapped in a vortex of not knowing how you feel and I can't get in touch with you to know

how you feel.

Those of you who are my friends here, know I care deeply how I feel about you. Each of

you hold a very special place in my heart - and I mean that with all the sincerity I have

left. I understand  we all go our separate ways when the time when our ride comes to a

halt. But I don't make that decision, no. I suppose fate has something to do with it. But I

don't look never for the end of the ride. Not when it comes to friendship. I have lost

loved ones by death - that to me is closure on the physical realm, not the spiritual

 factors... because the feelings move to cherished memories and they linger and are

with you till you die. That, I fully understand. But what I don't understand is this one-sided closure, which to me is a bit selfish. Consider all that we have shared as friends

and that I can say if I did anything to upset you, I am woman enough to say I was wrong.

But I wasn't wrong in anything I did. I meant no harm to you nor anyone. To that, I

cannot understand the meaning of this closure - if it is one, I really want to know. I want

you to own up - have the sheer guts and just tell me.

As an empath, my feelings are much overwhelmed, too great for the average person to

deal with. If they had to deal with how I have been feeling - they'd go mad. One friend kindly said to me and I quote them... "If I left, I have died and I can't get a hold of you, that's the only way that you would never hear from me and know something is wrong."

Another friend mentioned: " anytime you invest in someone or something and its not returned sucks. Anytime you feel compassion and love and get rejected it rips your heart out. I meant rejected as in not getting back the feelings you feel right that moment."

I used these quotes as gems directly from friends who care about my well-being. I would say the same thing to them in so many words. I value what each of you say - and know all of us are different, and I respect that.

All I want is closure, finality to this haze I have been going through since a few days before Thanksgiving - November 27th 2014. I have been physically ill and haven't been able to recover. I feel sluggish but my pilot light inside me still burns but a dim of light.

I have been on and off here to reply to those who are my friends - and I owe that to you

because we have a lovely investment in each other. But I'm not the same person you met. I am so sad and I am barely holding up with the little strength I have. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I have no idea how to patch it up. I want to move forward,

but can't for I do want finality. If you have died, I can understand - but this is like a person missing in action or kidnapped and never heard from again... that kind of loss is

unbearable and hard to live with.

So please, if you are reading this and I know you can cause I can't get a hold of you,

reach out to me just one time and tell me. Give me some finality. I'm not asking for much. After all that we have invested in each other, to know and respect one another, do this for me and do this for yourself, for your heart.

This is from someone born on Valentine's day - such a sad day for me, for years now. I can't wait till that day is done and over with. I don't think I can take much more of this pain. It's just way too much. I just wanted you to know where I am and where I have been. This breather - has not been going well at all.

Published on EP 1/19/14 - as a blog, I am an Empath, I'd be heartbroken if I lost one of my EP friends.