I Am So Alone

I wish I can put into words how I feel, right now. I will, as I write - trying to express myself the best way I can, on the page. I'm blessed that I am a creative person. I have done many things I ought to be proud of. But I don't feel proud right now.
This week I churned out projects, what I had to offer - all things beautiful to me. So I share these as gifts. Gifts given to me by the universe or by God, or a higher power - whichever you believe in. Though I am 95% percent grateful for all the talent I have.
I feel burden by it. Burdened because I feel I haven't really accomplished - anything. This makes me very lonely.
I know I have accomplished many things that most people have done or have not done. But I don't feel accomplished right now. I feel completely alone and it's dangerous. I'm not liking this nor myself, right now.

This danger, I don't fear. I just don't why it's here now. I don't fear much of anything because I know I'm a fighter. But I'm so damn tired of fighting - even with my feelings. I have learned to ride with my feelings. This feeling is a wild roller coaster going out of control and I'm riding it to see just where the hell it's going to take me.

I've been to my own hell and didn't like it. I'm not going there - not that far down. I know I have done things I am ashamed and embarrassed to discuss - I write them down in my journal for me to keep and look over later. I know I am and always will be accountable for my own actions. I own this feeling even though I am not proud of me, right now - this very moment. So alone, with my deadly thoughts.

Yes, I have accomplished many things, but I feel so worthless, to myself. I know I am a good and a nice person. But even good and nice people when you least expect that there is nothing wrong with them - there is. It hits me in the worst time, when everything in my life is going right. Nice good people feel down, too. Nice good people get lonely. Very lonely because some people assume everything is ok. And I may be 'ok' at that given moment. The good, a nice person in me is not and it hurts so fucking bad.
I know have overcome the most overwhelming challenges in my life-alone. I have felt like a prisoner my own home while healing - alone. I'm not super woman, I'm not a champion, I'm not a hero, I'm not a warrior, but to others, I am. And I get the feeling as they treat me as if I'm untouchable. But I'm not damn it. I'm just as human as you.
I did it what I had to, to survive the impossible. And surviving has been one sucking vortex of sheer exhaustion. I don't eat as much, I don't sleep too well and my mind as brilliant as it can be, runs wild like a child who doesn't listen to its mother when it's time to come inside and settle down.

It's a bitch getting old. When all the people in your life that have meant so much to you are not around because they have passed on. I ache so much inside because I need them badly right now and they're not here. I am, alone.
I'm searching for memories of their wisdom in my heart. I want to see them, I want to hear them, and God help me, I want them to hold me, NOW - like they use to. I need that so much. But, I am, alone.
So the child in me is reeling, throwing it's ugly tantrum driving me fucking nuts .It's like the time I felt after cancer treatment : I have crossed the finish line of painful challenged perils and no one to greet me- everyone's gone home. The parking lot is empty, and I have to walk home, once again - alone.
I am very lonely, right now. I know. I know, I shoulda, woulda, coulda - yet I don't know a damn thing.
All I know, is right now, I'm hurting... and the ache, is unbearable - and I am, alone.