Real life is can be way too cruel

This reminded me of a high school gal who graduated a year ahead of me

I wrote to her when she went to college, sort of pen pals .

she was very nice I thought at that time.

Then I went to college and we kept writing

on break during the holidays

Mom and I were coming out of a store

and I saw this gal with her mom

I said hello to her and she just walked right pass me as if she didn't know who I was

and mom and I were shocked

Then mom said

"Isn't that Lulu (not her real name) who you wrote to in high school and in college?"

I said yes

I turned around and kept calling her name

it was shocking and rude

and mom said

"and to think you took the time to write and be pen pals to be treated like that

I guess you know now she's not worth writing to. That was so rude.

I never imagine humans can be so cruel and to think someone doing that to you, Kat

I am sorry you had to go through that."

I said. "It's ok Mom, I just got a good taste of the real world."

Mom said

"Your world is much more cruel than mine ever was... she'll get what's coming to her."

I said "like what Mom?"

she said..."Karma, doesn't forget

neither does God."

I sat in the car and cried

Mom said

"The world will be cruel to the kind hearted

I am so thankful I raised one. Never changed, but be prepared to grow that thick skin

but keep your heart soft and guard your heart well."

I have developed that thick skin, and my heart  is still soft.

Yeah, real life can be way too cruel.

Keep your chin up.

A Letter To My Old Self

Hello Self,

I have freed myself  from a personal challenge that had me locked up for years. It's like a prison on to myself, and I am out. Everything on the outside is so new because  it's changed, I have changed too. Now I'm not saying change is good or bad, it is what it is.

You get to a point in your life if you don't like something that's going on in your life and you've had enough - it's time to let it go. The baggage of the past slows out progress to move forward, to achieve what is intended for us to do - find our true purpose of our existence. In my case, my writings and photography.

It's not so much leaving people behind, sometimes it's a change of the way the dynamics of a relationship - regardless of what it is. If you want your relationships to work, then put the effort out and  do it. Communicate and make your intentions known and listen to the feedback. At least come to some agreement. Some people will get it, and some won't. But my point is, You have to come clean with yourself. 

Make yourself known to yourself that you are going to be true to yourself and go for what you desire out of life. Those that love you will come for the ride, cheer you on and that's the best offer  anyone can receive as they wish the best and be there for you. Some people you may have to let go because they serve no purpose in seeing you achieve. They just want to stall your progress - those need to do some personal cleansing and look for the beauty within themselves if they choose too.

There has been chaotic energy around me the last couple of months that brought me to this point. It's energy gave me this will to be free. I feel richer for life, I want to breathe and share my love and kindness with you. I love myself so much now, that I can take whatever you have to offer. Only if you  do this with the love. I can understand pain as we all have it whether it be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional or all rolled up as one.

We each must learn that it is up to us to embrace our wishes, our dreams and make them come true no matter how long it takes. Never take yourself for granted and know in time, all wishes and dreams will arrive, when the universe says you are ready.

I can only  write from experience and look back with loving memories that I cannot return to that state of living. I am  free to be creative with all aspects of my life and wish to share them  with you and with that special person to complete the puzzle of my life.

Each piece is a puzzle if we don't look in the pile to search for it. Though we have to move forward no matter if we don't want to. Eventually, you feel a snap and say it's time, so here I am.

I am not saying something to you that you all ready know, maybe you don't. We are all different and cleansing the soul, varies from person to person.

Some people have to go away and figure things out. I was alone for a good number of years so I am compelled to be among the masses to figure what's out there and take risks. At the end of each day when I say my prayers and affirmations. I ask forgiveness for any wrong doing or sins I may have committed, and go to bed with a clear conscious. This is my way of moving forward.

I can't tell you it's easy, nor tell you it's hard. All I can tell you is, if you wish or desire to make things better in your life, then the choice I  had to make is taking the risk. no matter the outcome, I know I tried my best.

I  can think all I  want, over think much? Yes, done that too. I can't weigh pros and cons too much cause that can drive me crazy. I am taking it as a reflection of what to keep or change in my life. I am tired of putting things in the back of my mind saying later, I am done with it.

I am tired of my survival mode which I had to see things in this way or that way - it is what it is and I have to accept it and be open to compromise or come to an agreement with myself and others.

I also have to listen to my heart and allow it to speak. Take the risk to tell someone how I  feel about them and accept the outcome. Again, feeling  good that I tried, and did my best and move forward with or without them. But I will not miss any opportunity in deny my feelings - that is something I did lots in the past.  I am done with that past, too.

We all connect for a reason. Whatever that reason is will reveal itself as time goes by.

We can't force, nor be confused trying to figure a situation  it out. Maybe we're suppose to learn something from all of this .So I am allowing  things to flow and not push for answers because they will come when I am ready to receive them.

I am so into flow cause I have pushed myself too much. I know I have been very hard on myself and  felt I had to be gentle with my surroundings. Continue being true to myself and with others. I have no time for bullshit. I desire personal balance  in both  my mind and  heart. I feel stronger than ever. I see things brighter clearer and welcome this passion for life.

I am happy and in love with myself. I desire that for all. This is the new me and I am embracing it all.

I wish you to be happy and love yourself, too. It's a beautiful feeling.

When you have that feeling, nothing can stop you from moving ahead.

To be happy with love in my heart  is the only forever feeling I want in my life, and I am in it to win what's coming.

I am free to receive.

I have just said goodbye to my old self.

I love you,

Me

Door Closes, Another Door Opens...

Our friendship broke up. I had to end it. I was falling in love with a ghost

and I couldn't do that. She was too anonymous online. She was beautiful. Her energy compelled me to write about love and being in love. Something I miss very much.

We connected through our words and they were lovely. We were drawn to each other

and still to this writing. I desire her, but I can't have her. I love her. To me, she was my soul mate.

She will be the closest person I will have said to be my soul mate. Even though we have never met in person, her impact on my life compelled me to be a better person. She believed in me and desired for me to continue with believing in myself and never give up. With that belief, I am a better person.

I am moving forward with hurt. An ache unbearable in my heart to wear, but  for a bit.

I know what I have to do and ready to achieve. I wish for the best despite of the challenges that come to me. But it's time to stay strong and be the individual  I need to be, to manifest my dreams.

 I don't know if I will ever see her again. I know she's hurting, I can feel her connection.

She taught me to be not to be so hard on myself and be gentle with my words. I am working on this.

we both needed this  distance to breathe and be ourselves because at times, we were lost with each other.

but for now I couldn't  hold on to her. I had to let her go. I love her so much, it aches. My heart is aching and loving me at the same time, beautifully.  To know I can make it on my own. I wish for her to be proud of me as I am to myself. I wish her the same, with all the love in my heart. I am grateful to have known her.

People will come and go into your life to make a connection how long the connection is unknown. Yet we learn the reasons why along the way or when the connection needs maintenance.

I initiated, and take full responsibility for breaking  this friendship and it hurts me badly.

I wish I could take it back, but I won't, I promised to achieve my personal goals alone.

I wouldn't want to be depended on other people. I want them to know I can do  this with

all my soul. I know they wish me well and I am grateful to hear.

the unknown is scary and exciting, with that said, I am looking forward to this new beginning whatever it will be. Staying strong in will. Perseverance  and rest is at hand.

The goal is set and I am ready to move ahead. I surrender  to it with love and truth.

Because truth and love, is all there is.

I love you.

I wish...

I wish I could take back all I said

I know I hurt you

which hurt me badly too.

But I felt I had to defend myself

my true self.

Even if I am in transition to better myself

I want you to know I will be the person you know

better than before.

I know wherever you are,

I know deep down, you want that for me, too.

Not a day will go by

that I will think about you

I wish you would think about me too

I want to see how strong I can be

so you can be proud of me

as I am proud of you.

No matter where I go what I do

whom I meet

I will always wonder

the look on your face

meeting you

face to face.

God, help me

I miss you so fucking much.

that I wonder, if you miss me, too.

I love you.