2014 so far...
01/02/14
I feel a little of me is slowly dying. Got a call from Mom's Nursing Home, she's not
responding to meds and won't swallow her food. I pray it won't be long and that
she goes in her sleep. Mom's always been a fighter to live life. I miss her
every day. God! she made me laugh. When she'd yell at us for doing or not doing
shit around the house... Those were the
days my friends I'd thought they'd never end..
lah dee dah.....went the song.
It's sad when you remember Mami, but she doesn't
remember that you are her baby...HEY, that fucking sad, okay? DAMN! In four
days, it will Father's death anniversary... wow, that is fucking weird. What
are you trying to tell me?
Also, this post menopausal bleeding is killing
me...what is going on with me? I want this to stop!!
I am a happy person. I wake up that way since 1997.Go figure.
1/3/14
Got a call from Mom's Nursing home, Mom's still not
doing good. I've got to go this weekend to sign a paper for in house hospice.
ugh!
1/4/14
Since I haven't slept well the last few days, I did
at 3:30pm today. Fixed myself something to eat talked to Dave for an hour n'
half. Now watching the Saturday Brit comedies on PBS. Going to see Mom tomorrow
to sign papers. It's frigging cold this
weekend.
1/5/14
I visited the nursing home today. Cold rainy wet
day. Grey and nasty day. Mom was in bed curled in a fetal position. The nurse
was changing her pillow case and making mom comfortable. There she laid, mom.
She doesn't even know I'm here. I took her picture and whispered in her
ear...'let go mom, it's time to go'. I want you to sleep and go ...go to the
other side. It's ok. it's alright.
I visualize peace and rest for mom. For me. For my
brothers. I wish her a quiet
peaceful journey. I thanked her for everything she
did for me for all of us. She did her job well. She was a great mom.
1/6/14
Mom is barely hanging on. She 's on oxygen.
1/7/14
Got a call @ 11: 01 am. The head Nurse on the 3rd
floor told me Mom passed away @ 10:50am peacefully in her sleep. I gave her the
number of Teague funeral home.
I was on the phone most of the day.
I cooked Nachos and had Fannie over. I didn't eat
much but I ate something. Packed everything for Fannie to take home. There is a
sigh of relief over me. I can breathe a little now. I'll handle whatever comes
my way now. I wrote a nice piece on Facebook about Mom with her picture.
Elba
M. Borges Passed away this morning January 7, 2014 @ 10:50 AM. A
wonderful mother not only to her four children also to her children's
friends who called her affectionately "Mom". Yes, she will be missed.
Let's just remember the fun times - she was a effing riot! You're in a
better
place now Mom - so rock it! Love, Kat
Feeling sluggish but got up. Had the Funeral Home,
group counseling, lunch, Visionworks and The OBGYN today.
It was a trying day but I made it. Mailed the
checks from Pop and Dave to the Credit union. Tried to call the bank but got no
answer. Will try tomorrow.
I had cramps when I got home and I wasn't hungry. I
just thought I'd catch up
and write a few lines before retiring.
The results of the bio can be two weeks... I'll
wait for the results. I hate speculating.
want to get a haircut tomorrow.
1/13/14
Early hours on this entry. Been a bit quiet getting
this done as far as Calling all the main folks closing Mom's biz. Been a tough
few days. Soon it'll be a week. Jac spent the night Saturday. It was good to
see her. We are all going thru tough times. I know I'll manage. Got too. Just
waiting for the Fucking report from the Doc. Going to bed soon. Hope to get
some sleep - I feel so worn.
1/19/14
It's 1.35am and I'm still up. Pondering what to
write about. I have so much to say, but so little I write down. I feel lost for
words - even though I have the will to
express but not directly on the page. Perhaps it's my thoughts or lack of being completely comfortable with
myself to let go of things bottled up. My survival mode is there and I don't
see it going away soon. I continue visualizing my movie every day. I may not
write about it - though it's there. I do find a certain peace in silence. I
know I am withdrawn from the world in away others may think I am a hermit. I
can relate to that though my reasons are to understand myself a bit more. I am
cautious and care what happens to me now more than ever.
Closing slowly the chapter of mom - each phone call
I make, papers I sign, ends a chapter of her life no longer here. I can accept
that and it's time. I am recapturing my life back slowly after taking care of
her for so long - I feel I have neglected so much of me. So much time has
passed and I am older. It's time to think of me. I will do that more often - so
off to bed I go.
1/26/14
I struggle with eating. I suffice with one meal a
day. At times, it's one meal a day mostly a protein with veggies. Later as the
day progresses, I will nourish myself with several glasses of green food juice,
it's thick and coats my stomach gently as I feel my digestive system is quite
delicate at this stage of my grief and stress I am under. I wish to do more
around the house - like clean it. But manage to pick after myself as much as I
can without overwhelming myself to exhaustion. My days are short time does fly
by and I am stuck like my legs are in a slow puddle of quicksand. As I try to
pick up each leg up to make another step, the quicksand tries to hold me back,
but I won't allow it to swallow me - something in me won't allow it - so will
all the strength I have, I do make that step to where I want to go - whether
it's to make a cup of tea or complete a task that has to be done.
Speaking of tasks, Since Mother's passing, I
received the necessary paperwork to complete or finalize the Life Insurance
policy and the stocks she left. I am gathering the documents that have to be
copied and sent to the companies requested. To me, it is a task that hurts - my
feelings are mixed, but this has to be done. At times I have to stop and cry -
sometimes for no reason other than relive myself from all that I have gone
through.
I sometimes wonder why I have gone through all of
this. My life feels as if I haven't accomplished anything. My life has been on
hold to take care of another human being. My talent has been on hold for so
long, I question: what will I do now?
Eventually, I will know the answer, but for now -
it seems a lifetime away to get the answer... I will get my answer, but not now
_ can't push myself more than I am at this given moment. I know I am meant to
do something with my talents, as to what, I have no idea. I don't want to waste
all that I know who I am. That's it - I am trying to recapture who I really am
in this world. I know I wasn't just born to take care of someone else other
than myself... it doesn't seem logical. But I do know the task I have had to
take care of mom has left me searching for my real purpose in life.
I continue to visualize my life as I would like for
it to be - better than it is at this moment. I wish it came as quickly as
profound as the challenges I have had to face head on. I know I am strong and I
am a warrior, a survivor.... I feel as if I live in a worn torn country going
to war with someone. I hear bombs, shooting moans groans of others weak trying
to cope with what is going on. I am in a battle ground and wish to get out.
like walking through a landmine and trying with each step not to step on a
bomb... so cautious - it's hard to breathe. This is my life right now and I am
alone in it - traveling through the valley of the shadow of death - seeing that
light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I see it, and each day I make a step or
two to try to reach that light. With no help from anyone, I want to one day
say, I fucking did this on my own - and my reward would be a good pat on the
back and someone to say: you did indeed do this all by yourself. I am the
bravest person I know - to myself, and I believe, that what counts.
I still feel
a sense of worthless. Like I can't do this or that. I know if I put my mind to
it - I can. though right now at this moment, I am so tired - all I can think of
is crawling into bed and curl up with my pillow and wrap myself in my comforter
and be held like a baby crying myself to
sleep wishing but knowing deep in my heart - this too shall pass.
2/4/14
It's February. I feel I am going nowhere with my
life. It has come to a complete halt. I don't know what to do. I get up do a
few things and stare at the keyboard. I want to say so much, but my fingers
hardly move. I feel like I've been punched in the head for the last 6 years. I
still feel worthless.
I'll cry one moment and want to remain in complete
silence - in hopes to snap out of this funk. I don't like the way I feel and I
don't know what to do with myself. There are a many things I need to do, but I
feel completely worn as if I have nothing to give because I gave so much to
help Mom...I have nothing left for me. I feel cold even after a warm shower.
Yeah, it's Winter, but it doesn't matter. I am completely withdrawn and look
out the window to the world. No I am not on drugs nor drink knowing that never
helps - it makes it worse and I am at my worst. Today, I woke up tired. I feel
tired and may go to bed early. If that happens, I'll awake at 3 or 4 Am and
stay in bed nodding on and off. Television doesn't help.
My energy is at its very low. It's taking all my
strength to write this. It's hard to think, eat do anything at this moment.
I'll just be quiet for now knowing this shall pass...with a question mark, a
big one.
It snowed Feb 13th. So I'm inside for the rest of the week "sigh"
2/20/14
My birthday came and went without fanfare - except lots of well wishers from Facebook friends - thanks so much.
Happy Valentine's Day, Damn it! Now, Kiss me!
Yes, I
am a year older 57. While part of me feels young, my body still feels sluggish.
I bought myself a new coffeemaker because I needed one. I also bought a new
jacket all on sale. I continue to work on the up stair bedrooms with a slow
progress... but it's getting done. Soon I will have a work station to do what
I'd like to do Voice over work. Got a call from the At&t caseworker telling
me she sent all the paperwork to Met Life. So in 3 weeks, I will be able to
receive the money Mom left for us. I plan to buy a new computer and an exercise
bike. Use the rest of the money sparingly to live on. So time is a factor to
step up and get this room cleared soon.
I feel better than I have been. I have no time to
doubt myself nor feel depressed.
I view my life's movie as future progress for
myself. I'm cleansing myself slowly.
I do want the best for myself. I want to do what I
want. I wish a better life, an adventure. I see travel, I want to travel and
meet new people. Good people. I need to feel good and stay that way. God, I'm
ready for my next adventure, so bring it on. I'm smiling, can't you tell?
.....2/26/14
My reply to a young gal on EP (Experience Project (anonymously)... who thinks she's a
lesbian but wants to marry this guy.
This was my reply:
Why are you labeling yourself when you don't even
have a clue as to what you want... Come on. You should be experiencing all that
life has to offer... mentally, emotionally, spiritually... sexually. Don't
limit yourself by calling yourself this or that. Love should not have labels -
that is in gender. Society puts the labels and like we're suppose to go by it?
NOT! Why do you want to marry someone if you're thinking about someone else.
That tells me you have no respect for yourself in a relationship or what
marriage is all about. Are you in a arranged marriage situation? I have a
problem with people who don't take time to know themselves. Your first few
words:"I seem to be a Lesbian" So, you are not sure you are a Lesbian
and what, you realized this a few days back? Listen, you are young... just go
and have some fun exploring your sexuality and really get to know yourself. Marry
someone that will love and accept all that you are and visa versa. The world is
full of broken marriages - perhaps because a couple didn't take themselves
serious about what they're getting into. You need time know you and what you
really desire in your life. And as myself a Lesbian and proud. The only label I
go with or go by, that we all should
accept is- that we, are ALL human beings; and we are ALL equal. You are brave
to share. You are loved.
3/3/14
OMG! March already?
Slowing cleaning the upstairs, going through the
bags, boxes of stuff Mom had and
Jackpot! I found more of Pop's photos, negatives and
slides to transfer to digital.
Meditated for a good bit
Visualizing a healthy outlook - got to get feeling
better every day!
It rained, sleet and snowed Sunday night into
Monday midday. I swept away all the snow from the door. Almost got locked out
due to the storm door knob frozen... but I managed to crack the ice loose
"whew" didn't want to be out in shorts and a sweatshirt outside!
Made Spaghetti sauce...hmmm good day for it.
Posted stuff on Tumblr & Google + the past 3
days
Trying to get back to the human race after care giving
for soooo long.
Baby steps...take baby steps - one moment at a time
is all I can do.
I love you, Kat
